I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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