i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
