also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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