Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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