It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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