it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
