I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
