i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
