Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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