This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
