I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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