im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
