The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
