Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
