Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
