What a fucking waste of an outfit
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
