dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
