Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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