i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
