If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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