Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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