How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
