Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
