maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
