The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
