does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
No I am not eating basil off your cock
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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