I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
