Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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