I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
