remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
