I can text with my tongue
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Randomize
