Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
