I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
