I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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