I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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