you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
