Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
