It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
where are you?
Hypothermia
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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