i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
