Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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