That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
