Welp...herpes.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
