Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I did not marry a roomba.
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