Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
