I think I won the penis lottery.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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