Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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