I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
