And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize