I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
