Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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