If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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