I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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