New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
