I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize