She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
