there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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