I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
