Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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